|Dec 3rd, 2009, 10:10 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2009
Help I wana know if this is good.
I wanted to write off a story that's been on my mind for weeks. (TLK)
The ending of the princes death.
" Oh scar you sly fox what did you do now". Asked the hyena "Killed the king of the lands". Laughed scar "King Mufasa"? said the hyena "Your brother"! asked another "Yesss my brother all for a great plan becoming king and getting rid of next in line Mheetu". snarled scar.
But scar didn't know.. Mheetu heard the whole thing he jumped out of his hiding place and said "Who do you think you are killing the king"! screamed Mheetu scar turned around and saw the cub looking at him and started in scars eyes and scar seeing mheetu's father he killed years ago. " ohhh mheetu you never knew". said scar stalking the cub mheetu started the walk bad words untell he heard a Thump then the hyena's ran and hoping the lioness didn't see them the cub looked up and saw sarabi "Oh scar !! I told you to never bring mheetu here why did you bring him here". said sarabi "ask him". snarled scar as he looked at the young cub " Scar said he killed mufasa and killing me next". said mheetu hiding behide sarabi "Ohh mheetu you hear the funniest things". said scar turning around "scar is this true". said sarabi "I don't wanna hear it lets go home". said sarabi.
After they got home scar was watching mheetu playing with his sister in the cave untell they came running out to the top of pride rock scar wasn't Impressed untell nala came running "scar scar scar!!!!! Mheetu got caugh by a hyena!" cried nala as she didn't know what to do scar pretended he was sleeping untell nala ran away for help scar got up and laughed "My plan is in motion". he found mheetu on the ground and scar walked up to him "Ohh sleep my little price". scar said and grabed mheetu and dug his claws into the back of his neck untell blood came gushing out scar put mheetu by the hyena's and blamed it on them...
My DA http://electra-dots.deviantart.com/
|Dec 3rd, 2009, 01:39 PM||#2|
can change your life, rest assured.
Join Date: Jun 2006
It's okay. Lacks the proper punctuation and capitalizations.
I suggest using a program like MS Word to help with spell check and punctuation.
|Dec 3rd, 2009, 01:57 PM||#3|
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
^ This. If you want to get technical, a Good story must have proper punctuation and capitalization.
Me being a writer, I must say you have GREAT ideas.
You MUST use OTHER WORDS rather than using "then, and, etc..." with "Suddenly, Next, Finally, Later on, Previously, etc..."
By the way, try not to use slang when a character is speaking, or in the narrator's lines, such as "wanna".
TITLES NEED CAPITALS!
You NEED to add capitals to character's names, as you know.
It's "until" not untell, and PLEASE use more commas after quotes! Example: "Oh Scar, you sly fox, what have you done now ?" , asked a hyena. I highlighted grammar/punctuation/vocabulary errors.
Example of what you do with commas and text: The hyena replied, (Comma!) " lalalalala."
You MUST NOT use run-on sentences! What-So-EVER! Shorten you sentences so the reader doesn't get brain cramps from so many ideas in ONE SENTENCE.
If another hyena asks a question, please use a question mark.
EDIT: I started when this was light outside, now it's dark. Using an ipod touch to write is hard! xD
Last edited by Drago : Dec 3rd, 2009 at 02:33 PM.
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