The Lion King Fan Art Message Board  

Go Back   The Lion King Fan Art Message Board > Art & Fan-Works > In The Spotlight > Constructive Criticism
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Mark Forums Read

Thread Tools
Unread Sep 9th, 2004, 11:14 AM   #1
The Hawaiian Snow Cheetah
Shellcat's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 3,167
Critique for story..

Yay...*cough* ok... more info for the charcters in this story can be found at the website in my siggy..or Clicky here for info

I'm open to all criticism and critiques. So fire away if need be. *sorry it's a bit long...I typed it in Ms Works and just cut n copied it here.*

Kikomo stood quietly by the dining room window, and watched the gathering storm
clouds on the horizon. “Kiiikooommooo!?!?” a voice sung, breaking the silence.
“Kiikomoo?!?” the voice rang out again. “Where are you?” Kikomo smiled softly at the
sound of the familiar voice. “In here Psyche!” she called. Psyche was Kikomo’s best
friend, ever since she could remember. They had always been together. Psyche’s head
suddenly appeared in the doorway. Her cherry red hair falling into her eyes, and her
long ears twitching like radars. Swishing her tail happily she smiled at Kikomo. “Heya!”
she chirped, “What’s for breakfast?” Wrinkling her face in concentration, Kikomo
thought for a moment. “Eh, there are some leftover muffins from Nery’s visit
yesterday.” she suggested. Psyche recoiled in mock horror, her striped face slightly
askew. Their friend Nery was rather well known for her less than delightful “Surprise
and Shine” breakfast muffins. The surprise being a mixture of bark and leaves.
“Eeewww!!” Psyche exclaimed. “No thanks, I think I’ll whip up some bacon and eggs.”
Seconds later Psyche dissapered through the kitchen door, the sound of pots and pans
rattling followed soon after.

Kikomo let a small sigh escape her lips and returned her gaze to the outside
world. After a few minutes of daydreaming, she got up and made her way to her
bedroom. Walking down the hallway, she passed the kitchen. Not hearing any noises,
she grew curious and peeked in through the door. Her eyes grew wide. “Oh my god!”
she screamed. “What on Earth are you doing...What is that???!!” Oozing towards her
was a large, monstrous ball of dough. Standing in the middle of the mess, was Psyche.
Every inch of her was covered with the goo, and all that remained was a mouth and
two eye holes she had wiped away. “We were out of eggs, so I made pancakes.”
Psyche exclaimed with a sheepish grin on her face. “I wanted them to cook faster so I
kinda..hurried them along.” she said quietly. “Did you use your magic again??” Kikomo
demanded. Psyche bit her lower lip nervously. “” she stammered. Kikomo
sighed. “You know the Gods put a ban on your spell use when you turned that nest of
baby squirrels into a rampaging herd of elephants. I had a heck of a time explaining
that one to the police.” She scolded. “Hey, that was an accident!” Psyche exclaimed,
cleaning the dough from her fur. “Besides, Nery was in on it too. She’s the one who
wanted to make them multi-colored!!” she pouted. Kikomo sighed again. “Ok Psyche,
just have this cleaned up quickly.”

Kikomo left Psyche to clean the kitchen, as she continued to head for her room.
Upon reaching her room, she flopped down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. “ How
did Psyche come to be with her?” She wondered aloud. Closing her eyes, she thought
back through all the memories. Only one stuck out. The day her parents had
disappeared. Kikomo opened her eyes and rolled over onto her stomach. She glanced
at the picture on her nightstand. It was of her and Psyche when she was younger. It
seemed funny how Psyche never aged a bit. Gazing at herself a bit more, she got up
and looked in the mirror. She hated how her large, black fuzzy ears stood out from
her head. She tried to make them lie flat by pressing down on them, but they just
popped right back up. “Ugh...why can’t I have beautiful ears like Psyche?” she sighed
dejectedly. Kikomo glanced back at her own striped tail. “And why can’t I have her
long silky tail either!” she grumped. “Blah..” Turning back and facing the bed she
spotted a small book peeking out from underneath the mattress. “What’s that?” she
wondered. Carefully sliding the book out from the folds of the matress, she carefully
opened it. It was Psyche’s journal. She flipped through the pages haphazardly until
she stumbled across an old entry. She read the date.

June 12, 1979

Darius and Freya had their baby today, a little girl. She looks just like her mom.
Her ears are so tiny and furry. It was about time too, Freya had a hard pregnancy.
They almost lost her and the baby. They haven’t decided on a name yet. I suggested
the name Kikomo, because it was my great-great grandmother’s name. I guess we’ll
just have to wait and see. Till next time!

Kikomo smiled. She couldn’t believe Psyche was so much older than she looked.
She flipped to the next page and started to read.

June 13, 1979

Darius has gone missing. Freya and I searched frantically for him, but couldn’t
find him. He had only stepped out to get some supplies for the baby, and he never
returned. We’ve organized a search party of sorts and have the whole town looking for
him. I do hope he turns up soon. Freya has gone into fits worrying. I have to go
now, but I’ll write later today.

It’s me again...Freya went out looking for Darius, but has yet to return. The
baby is starting to fuss, and I’m really not sure what to do. Freya said something about
a dark force of sorts in a neighboring town. I’m really not sure what’s she’s talking
about. Something about dea...

A loud noise from down the hall made Kikomo jump. She quickly shoved the
book back under the matress and hurried down to the kitchen again. Psyche was no
where to be found. Searching through the living room and even the basement resulted
in nothing. She decided to check out in the garden. There laying amongst the rows of
turnips and carrots was Psyche, fast asleep. Kikomo chuckled to herself. Psyche might
be a bit of a handfull at times, but her heart is one of gold.

~ (Lacrymosa)
And you can blame it on me
(Dies illa)
just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now love
Shellcat is offline   Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 04:13 PM.

Powered by vBulletin Version 3.5.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Styles their respective creators.